The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
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Awkward!
Employer: "Where did you receive your training?"
Applicant: "Yale."
Employer: "Great, what's your name?"
Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."
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Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What animal has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog. It croaks every night..
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
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Montana man reunited with woman-hating macaw*
GREAT FALLS, Mont. - A Montana man was reunited with his scarlet macaw after five years thanks in part to the bird's distaste for women. Mike Taylor of Great Falls said his bird, Spike, goes by the nickname Love Love and he discovered after adopting the avian with his then-fiancee several years ago that Love Love disliked women due to being abused by a previous owner, the Great Falls (Mont) Tribune reported Tuesday. Taylor said his wife sold the bird when the couple split up about five years ago and he "always wondered" what became of the bird. Taylor said he had his answer when a friend, Steve Caldwell, recognized the bird at Montana's Parrot & Exotic Bird Sanctuary in Butte. "He says, 'Oh, by the way, I seen your bird,'" Taylor said. Taylor said he soon got in touch with Lori McAlexander, executive director of the sanctuary, and was able to convince her of his story by describing the bird's blind eye, toenail deformities, penchant for saying "love love" and his hatred of women. McAlexander said the bird was donated by a woman named Sonia who was bitten mere days after purchasing him. She said only male handlers had been dealing with Spike due to the animal's violent distaste for women. Taylor was reunited with Love Love Sunday at the sanctuary and was able to bring him home with his original cage and the toys that went along with him when his wife sold the bird. "He's just a really neat bird," Taylor said.
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"Our bodies are our gardens to which our wills are gardeners."
- William Shakespeare
"As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it."
- Mahatma Gandhi
"Death is only going to happen to you once; I don't want to miss it."
- Jim Morrison
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Real Signs In Shop Windows
Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
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"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film." --Cynthia Levin
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"There's got to be something wrong with people who go to Star Trek conventions. I mean, I like Mary Tyler Moore, too, but I don't rent out a big hall and dress up like Rhoda." --Andy Kindler
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"I'm a grown woman but my father still thinks I know nothing about my car. He always asks me, 'You changing the oil every 3,000 miles?' 'Yes, Dad. I'm also putting sugar in the gas tank. That way my exhaust smells like cotton candy.'" --Mimi Gonzalez
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A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."
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While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.
"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."
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There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery.
--Enrico Fermi
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When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.
--Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible
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The only good thing about having your back to the wall is that it makes it really easy to choose which way you're going to go.
--Jim Butcher, Cold Days
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The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
--Thomas Jefferson
There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
--Nelson Mandela
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I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. ~ Thomas Jefferson
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"New York City is considering a law to ban people from wearing costumes in Times Square after a man dressed as the Cookie Monster shoved a little boy. In his defense, Cookie Monster said, 'Boy not give up cookie.'" -Jimmy Fallon
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QUOTE: "The earth is what we all have in common."
HINT: (1934-), American man of letters, academic, cultural and economic critic, and farmer.
ANSWER: Wendell Berry.
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Q and A Quickies
Q: What is an archaeologist?
A: Someone who's career is in ruins!
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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RANDOM TIDBITS
Earth Day first began on April 22, 1970, when 20 million people across the United States participated in rallies celebrating nature and decrying activities that put it at risk.
Sen. Gaylord Nelson, a Democrat from Wisconsin, came up with the idea for Earth Day in 1969. Inspired by the anti-Vietnam War "teach-ins" that took place at college campuses all over the nation, Nelson envisioned a large-scale environmental demonstration that would catch the attention of the federal government.
Earth Day had an immediate impact. By the end of the year, the United States saw some of its first major political efforts to protect the environment, including the founding of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
The first Earth Day also changed public attitudes. According to the EPA, "Public opinion polls indicate that a permanent change in national priorities followed Earth Day 1970. When polled in May 1971, 25 percent of the U.S. public declared protecting the environment to be an important goal, a 2,500 percent increase over 1969."
Among people who oppose environmental action, a rumor has spread that April 22 was chosen because it's the birthday of Vladimir Lenin, the founder of the Soviet Union. In reality, the date was chosen in 1970 simply because it fell on a Wednesday, when organizers believed that many people would be able to get out of work to participate.
The Earth Day Network works with hundreds of thousands of schools around the globe, helping to integrate environmental themes into the curriculum to ensure that Earth Day has a year-round, lasting impact.
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"Elsewhere in the news, a Swedish company was fined today after one of their assembly robots attacked a human worker. And so it begins..." -Craig Ferguson
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"For those of you who aren't familiar with Coachella, it's a big music festival in the California desert. If you didn't get tickets or if you're too far away, just get high and pass out in a dumpster behind Trader Joe's. Just like being there." -Jimmy Kimmel
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?!'
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An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
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113. VINCENT VAN GOGH: In spite of everything
Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890) was a Dutch Post-impressionist painter. Although he had a passion for art since a child, Van Gogh’s first career choice was to become a minister. After studying for a year, Van Gogh failed his entrance exam to a theology school in Amsterdam and later a missionary school in Brussels. Unable to join the Church, Van Gogh decided he would devote himself to art. Although his work was exhibited in his later years, he received no recognition for his work during his life, lived in constant poverty and died having only sold ONE of his paintings. Today he is considered one of the most important artists in history and his vibrant, powerful and expressive paintings sell for millions of dollars.
Van Gogh was the epitome of the ‘tortured artist’. He lived a very sad life and seemed to fail at everything he tried. Besides failing to become a minister, Van Gogh had a disastrous love life (most women found him repulsive), his friendships never lasted (after threatening friend and fellow artist Paul Gauguin with a razor blade, Van Gogh famously cut off his own earlobe) and his art career never went anywhere. He even failed at committing suicide – when Van Gogh shot himself in the chest with a pistol, the bullet missed his vital organs and he was able to walk back to his house where he rested and smoked his pipe. He eventually died the next day after an infection took hold.
Van Gogh was in and out of mental asylums his whole life and it’s unsure whether he suffered from bi-polar disease, schizophrenia, epilepsy or some other kind of mental illness. Throughout all the difficulties in his life, the only thing that gave Van Gogh any kind of peace was the passion he had for his art:
“The work is an absolute necessity for me. I can’t put it off, I don’t care for anything but the work; that is to say, the pleasure in something else ceases at once and I become melancholy when I can’t go on with my work. Then I feel like a weaver who sees that his threads are tangled, and the pattern he had on the loom is gone to hell, and all his thought and exertion is lost.”
Even though he is considered a master today, Van Gogh was plagued with self-doubt and always strived to be a better artist. I thought this quote was great, similar to the message from Ira Glass’s Advice for Beginners:
“It constantly remains a source of disappointment to me that my drawings are not yet what I want them to be. The difficulties are indeed numerous and great, and cannot be overcome at once. To make progress is a kind of miner’s work; it doesn’t advance as quickly as one would like, and as others also expect, but as one stands before such a task, the basic necessities are patience and faithfulness. In fact, I do not think much about the difficulties, because if one thought of them too much one would get stunned or disturbed.”
The quote I used in the comic is taken from one of hundreds of letters Van Gogh wrote to his brother Theo. The discouragement he was talking about was a period of extreme poverty and bad luck.
A few readers have emailed me and said that Zen Pencils has played a part in them taking up drawing again, which is probably the best compliment an artist can receive. Have you recently rediscovered your childhood talent, or taken up a new creative hobby? Let us know in the comments
- What’s your favourite Van Gogh painting? Mine is probably Starry Night Over the Rhone, although it’s hard to pick just one – he’s always been one of my favourite artists.
- Thanks to Gabriel for submitting this quote.
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Healthy Living from Health.com
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This year, in time for Earth Day on Monday, we’ve done it again, putting together another list of 10 notable discoveries made by scientists since Earth Day 2012—a list that ranges from specific topics (a species of plant, a group of catfish) to broad (the core of planet Earth), and from the alarming (the consequences of climate change) to the awe-inspiring (Earth’s place in the universe).
2. Climate change could erode the ozone layer. Until recently, atmospheric scientists viewed climate change and the disintegration of the ozone layer as entirely distinct problems. Then, in July, Harvard researcher Jim Anderson (who won a Smithsonian Ingenuity Award for his work) led a team that published the troubling finding that the two might be linked. Some warm summer storms, they discovered, can pull moisture up into the stratosphere, an atmospheric layer 6 miles up. Through a chain of chemical reactions, this moisture can lead to the disintegration of ozone, which is crucial for protecting us from ultraviolet (UV) radiation. Climate change, unfortunately, is projected to cause more of these sorts of storms.
3. This flower lives on exactly two cliffs in Spain. In September, Spanish scientists told us about one of the most astounding survival stories in the plant kingdom: Borderea chouardii, an extremely rare flowering plant that is found on only two adjacent cliffs in the Pyrenees. The species is believed to be a relic of the Tertiary Period, which ended more than 2 million years ago, and relies on several different local ant species to spread pollen between its two local populations.
5. Fracking for natural gas can trigger moderate earthquakes. Scientists have known for a while that whenever oil and gas are extracted from the ground at a large scale, seismic activity can be induced. Over the past few years, evidence has mounted that injecting water, sand and chemicals into bedrock to cause gas and oil to flow upward—a practice commonly known as fracking—can cause earthquakes by lubricating pre-existing faults in the ground. Initially, scientists found correlations between fracking sites and the number of small earthquakes in particular areas. Then, in March, other researchers found evidence that a medium-sized 2011 earthquake in Oklahoma(which registered a 5.7 on the moment magnitude scale) was likely caused by injecting wastewater into wells to extract oil.
6. Our planet’s inner core is more complicated than we thought. Despite decades of research, new data on the iron and nickel ball 3,100 miles beneath our feet continue to upset our assumptions about just how the earth’s core operates. A paper published last May showed that iron in the outer parts of the inner core is losing heat much more quickly than previously estimated, suggesting that it might hold more radioactive energy than we’d assumed, or that novel and unknown chemical interactions are occurring. Ideas for directly probing the core are widely regarded as pipe dreams, so our only options remains studying it from afar, largely by monitoring seismic waves.
8. Climate change will let ships cruise across the North Pole. Climate change is sure to create countless problems for many people around the world, but one specific group is likely to see a significant benefit from it: international shipping companies. A study published last month found that rising temperatures make it probable that during summertime, reinforced ice-breaking ships will be able to sail directly across the North Pole—an area currently covered by up to 65 feet of ice—by the year 2040. This dramatic shift will shorten shipping routes from North America and Europe to Asia.
9. One bacteria species conducts electricity. In October, a group of Danish researchers revealed that the seafloor mud of Aarhus’ harbor was coursing with electricity due to an unlikely source: mutlicellular bacteria that behave like tiny electrical cables. The organisms, the team found, built structures that traveled several centimeters down into the sediment and conduct measurable levels of electricity. The researchers speculate that this seemingly strange behavior is a byproduct of the way of the bacteria harvests energy from the nutrients buried in the soil.
Kepler 62f, discovered yesterday, is the most promising exoplanet candidate yet in terms of its potential to harbor life. Image via NASA/Ames/JPL-Caltech
10. Our Earth isn’t alone. Okay, this one might not technically be a discovery about Earth, but over the past year we have learned a tremendous amount about what our Earth isn’t: the only habitable planet in the visible universe. The pace of exoplanet detection has accelerated rapidly, with a total of 866 planets in other solar systems discovered so far. As our methods have become more refined, we’ve been able to detect smaller and smaller planets, and just yesterday, scientists finally discovered a pair of distant planets in the habitable zone of their stars that are relatively close in size to Earth, making it more likely than ever that we might have spied an alien planet that actually supports life.
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Document Deep Dive: What Was on the First SAT?
Explore the exam that has been stressing out college-bound high school students since 1926
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Area 51: Origins
America’s once-secret air base had humble beginnings.
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Stranger in a Strange Land
Here is the link:
http://www.freewebs.com/yotopia... Her parting words are interesting: No one remembered the fact that such drastic cutting had been done on this book; over the course of years all the editors and senior officers at the publishing house had changed. So this version was a complete surprise to them. They decided to publish the original version, agreeing that it was better than the cut one. You now have in your hands the original version of Stranger in a Strange Land, as written by Robert Anson Heinlein. The given names of the chief characters have great importance to the plot. They were carefully selected: Jubal means "the father of all," Michael stands for "Who is like God?" I leave it for the reader to find out what the other names mean. -Virginia Heinlein Carmel, California
Regarding the two versions of the book, here is an article that might help you decide which to read:
I'm reading the longer version this time.
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HOMEMADE PLAYDOUGH
Ingredients:
1 cup flour
1 cup water
2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/3 cup salt
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
food coloring
Instructions:
Mix together all the ingredients, except the food coloring, in a 2 quart saucepan. Cook over low/medium heat, stirring. Once it begins to thicken, add the food coloring. Continue stirring until the mixture is much thicker and begins to gather around the spoon.
Remove the dough onto wax paper or a plate to cool....
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Quote of the day :
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field.
Niels Bohr
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We take a lot of things for granted in the world we live in that just aren't true, or at least not accurate. Like...
Random Facts:
There are not 24 hours in a day. There are 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds - the time it takes Earth to rotate on its axis, called a sidereal day.
Despite the towering heights of the Himalayas and the depths of the deepest ocean, compared to its circumference Earth is smoother than a bowling ball. Mountains and ocean trenches make up only 1/500th of the Earth's circumference.
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A couple of old guys in Palm Desert were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he too had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 100 mph when it smacked me right in the balls."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time my teeth didn't hurt..."
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On the art-science of “allowing the various petals of our identity to fully unfold.”
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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a fucking photo-copier."
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"A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face." -Jay Leno
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Top 10 Country Western Songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is:
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
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"After being named the unhappiest and the fattest state in the country, West Virginia has now been named the most stressed-out state. Researchers aren't sure why, but they think it might have something to do with being called sad and fat." -Jimmy Fallon
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"According to a new study, the best job in America is actuary ~ primarily because no one knows what an actuary is. So they don't have to do much." -Jimmy Kimmel
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"Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we're going to get at that tasty crude oil." -Craig Ferguson
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Famous Movie Quotes (The First Drafts)
The Godfather: "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I'd jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"
The Terminator: "I'll be back. Do you need anything while I'm out?"
Dirty Harry: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? I ask myself that every day, and you know what? I feel so very lucky. Loving family, steady work..."
Taxi Driver: "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Sorry, it looked like you were talkin' to me. My mistake."
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As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"
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QUOTE: "Ice-cream is exquisite--what a pity it isn't illegal."
HINT: (1694-1778), French Enlightenment writer, historian and philosopher.
ANSWER: Voltaire.
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RANDOM TIDBITS
In the first century AD, the Roman Emperor Nero developed a taste for a frozen dessert. He ordered runners to pass buckets of snow from the mountains along the Appian Way down to Rome. The snow was flavored with red wine and honey to be served at banquets.
The Chinese may have been the inventors of ice cream. In the first millennium AD, Marco Polo returned to Venice from his trip to the Far East, with ancient recipes for concoctions made of snow, fruit juice and fruit pulp.
In 1984, President Ronald Reagan officially designated July as National Ice Cream Month and the third Sunday of the month would be celebrated as National Ice Cream Day. More ice cream is sold on Sunday than any other day of the week.
Wall's was the first company to sell ice cream from tricycles. In 1924, this new marketing concept was launched with the slogan "Stop me and buy one." To "equalize the seasonality," the Wall's company would complement their summer ice-cream season with a winter sausage one.
The top five most popular ice cream flavors in the U.S. are vanilla, chocolate, Neapolitan, strawberry, and cookies n' cream, in that order. Vanilla accounts for nearly 1/4 of all sales.
In 1924, the average American ate eight pints a year. According to the International Dairy Foods Association, the figure had jumped to 48 pints a year by 1997.
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"A one-syllable word heavy as a heartbeat … a sort of traffic accident of the heart."
Love is the great intangible. In our nightmares, we can create beasts out of pure emotion. Hate stalks the streets with dripping fangs, fear flies down narrow alleyways on leather wings, and jealousy spins sticky webs across the sky. In daydreams, we can maneuver with poise, foiling an opponent, scoring high on fields of glory while crowds cheer, cutting fast to the heart of an adventure. But what dream state is love? Frantic and serene, vigilant and calm, wrung-out and fortified, explosive and sedate – love commands a vast army of moods. Hoping for victory, limping from the latest skirmish, lovers enter the arena once again. Sitting still, we are as daring as gladiators. … Love is the white light of emotion. It includes many feelings which, out of laziness and confusion, we crowd into one simple word. Art is the prism that sets them free, then follows the gyrations of one or a few. When art separates this thick tangle of feelings, love bares its bones. But it cannot be measured or mapped. Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one can agree on what it is.
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Explore dates, links, and locations, and start planning your trip
Our interactive 2013 Air Show Guide links you to 93 events with thrilling aerial displays, pyrotechnics, and static exhibits by civilian performers. But this season, don't look for U.S. military aircraft.
When the federal budget came under sequestration early this year, jet teams such as the USAF Thunderbirds and the US Navy Blue Angels canceled all public performances, as did units flying individual aircraft like the F-22 Raptor. Many air shows were canceled, while others had to scale back.
There may be fewer aircraft to see this year, but our handy Spotter's Guide is still available to download. You can either view it on the Web, print out a two-sided PDF to carry with you, or call it up on your mobile device (airspacemag.com/spotter) while you're at the show.
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Here's a classic...
A while back I was trying on some coats to see if they would fit me. I love to do that every now and again, but the best part is what you might find in the pockets - items like kleenex, ticket stubs, receipts, keys and best of all... MONEY!!!
But needless to say I was fired from my coat check job. Hey, sometimes you've got to make your own fun.
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Q and A Quickies
Q: Why did Sally give up on her ballet lessons?
A: Because they were too too difficult.
Q: Why does it take longer to run from second to third base than it does from first to second?
A: Because you have a short stop between second and third.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten-ticles!!!
Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!
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A Man Walks Into A Bar
A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny," replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
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On the imminent closing of the Black Cat in Sellwood
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