God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent ~
it says so right here in the label.
it says so right here in the label.
If you have a mind capable of believing
all three of these divine attributes simultaneously,
I have a wonderful bargain for you.
No checks, please.
Cash, and in small bills.
~ Lazarus Long
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~ Lazarus Long
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2012 December 3
A Quadruple Lunar Halo Over Spain
Image Credit & Copyright: Dani Caxete
Image Credit & Copyright: Dani Caxete
Explanation: Sometimes falling ice crystals make the atmosphere into a giant lens causing arcs and halos to appear around the Sun or Moon. This past Saturday night was just such a time near Madrid, Spain, where a winter sky displayed not only a bright Moon but as many as four rare lunar halos. The brightest object, near the top of the above image, is the Moon. Light from the Moon refracts through tumbling hexagonal ice crystals into a 22 degree halo seen surrounding the Moon. Elongating the 22 degree arc horizontally is a circumscribed halo caused by column ice crystals. More rare, some moonlight refracts through more distant tumbling ice crystals to form a (third) rainbow-like arc 46 degrees from the Moon and appearing here just above a picturesque winter landscape. Furthermore, part of a whole 46 degree circular halo is also visible, so that an extremely rare -- especially for the Moon -- quadruple halo was actually imaged. The snow-capped trees in the foreground line the road Puerto de Navacerrada in the Sierra de Guadarrama mountain range near Madrid. Far in the background is a famous winter skyscape that includes Sirius, the belt of Orion, and Betelgeuse all visible between the inner and outer arcs. Halos and arcs typically last for minutes to hours, so if you do see one there should be time to invite family, friends or neighbors to share your unusual lensed vista of the sky.
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When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.
Ayn Rand
Ayn Rand
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The Employees Strike Back - Twinkie's End
A combination of union demands, overpaid CEOs and health-conscious moms dooms America's beloved diabetes dispensary, the Twinkie.
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Yurts so good
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Portland On The Web: Time, Daily Planet, ESPN & More
If you plan to spend the rainy months catching up on your reading, might we suggest pairing that novel with a "Moby Dick" flavored beer from Rogue. Yes, the beer purveyor has partnered with Powell's to create this 'whale of an ale' brewed with actual pages from the novel, a slight improvement tastewise over their last beer, which was brewed with human facial hair.
Minneapolis and Portland are still in a deadlock over which city has the most dedicated bikers, people who will bike in snow or people who will bike up hills in the rain. We guarantee neither are as crazy as this lady.
Here is a round-up of the goings-on in Portland this week:
Time: It's a Whale of An Ale: Portland, Ore. Rogue Brewery makes a 'Moby Dick' flavored beer
Daily Planet: Portland and Minneapolis: A tale of two bike cities
YouTube: Crazy Portland lady interviewed by local news
Houzz: Added space and style for Portland split level
ESPN: New soccer league to feature 8 teams
OregonLive: 'Buoy' review: Minimalist drama composed of single phone call between siblings
If you plan to spend the rainy months catching up on your reading, might we suggest pairing that novel with a "Moby Dick" flavored beer from Rogue. Yes, the beer purveyor has partnered with Powell's to create this 'whale of an ale' brewed with actual pages from the novel, a slight improvement tastewise over their last beer, which was brewed with human facial hair.
Minneapolis and Portland are still in a deadlock over which city has the most dedicated bikers, people who will bike in snow or people who will bike up hills in the rain. We guarantee neither are as crazy as this lady.
Here is a round-up of the goings-on in Portland this week:
Time: It's a Whale of An Ale: Portland, Ore. Rogue Brewery makes a 'Moby Dick' flavored beer
Daily Planet: Portland and Minneapolis: A tale of two bike cities
YouTube: Crazy Portland lady interviewed by local news
Houzz: Added space and style for Portland split level
ESPN: New soccer league to feature 8 teams
OregonLive: 'Buoy' review: Minimalist drama composed of single phone call between siblings
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Oxfam America.
We are an international relief and development organization that creates lasting solutions to poverty, hunger, and injustice. We are part of Oxfam International, a confederation of 17 Oxfams working in more than 90 countries. Together with individuals and local groups in these countries, we save lives, help people overcome poverty, and fight for social justice.
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15 SPECTACULAR TRICKS FOR YOUR BODY !!!!
1.) If you've got an itch in your throat, scratch your ear. When the nerves in the ear get stimulated, they create a
reflex in the throat that causes a muscle spasm, which cures the itch.
2.) Having trouble hearing someone at a party or on the phone?
Use your right ear it's better at picking up rapid speech. But, the left is better at picking up music tones.
3.) If you need to relieve yourself BADLY, but you're not anywhere
near a bathroom, fantasize about RELATIONS. That preoccupies your brain and distracts it.
4.) Next time the doctor's going to give you an injection, COUGH as the needle is going in. The cough raises the level of pressure in your spinal canal, which limits the pain sensation as it tries to travel to your brain.
5.) Clear a stuffed nose or relieve sinus pressure by pushing your tongue against the roof of your mouth then pressing a finger between your eyebrows. Repeat that for 20 seconds it causes the vomer bone to rock, which loosens your congestion and clears you up.
2.) Having trouble hearing someone at a party or on the phone?
Use your right ear it's better at picking up rapid speech. But, the left is better at picking up music tones.
3.) If you need to relieve yourself BADLY, but you're not anywhere
near a bathroom, fantasize about RELATIONS. That preoccupies your brain and distracts it.
4.) Next time the doctor's going to give you an injection, COUGH as the needle is going in. The cough raises the level of pressure in your spinal canal, which limits the pain sensation as it tries to travel to your brain.
5.) Clear a stuffed nose or relieve sinus pressure by pushing your tongue against the roof of your mouth then pressing a finger between your eyebrows. Repeat that for 20 seconds it causes the vomer bone to rock, which loosens your congestion and clears you up.
6.) If you ate a big meal and you're feeling full as you go to sleep, lay on your left side. That'll keep you from suffering from acid reflux it keeps your stomach lower than your esophagus, which will helps keep stomach acid from sliding up your throat.
7.) You can stop a toothache by rubbing ice on the back of your hand, on the webbed area between your thumb and index finger. The nerve pathways there stimulate a part of the brain that blocks pain signals from your mouth.
8.) If you get all messed up on liquor, and the room starts spinning, put your hand on something stable. The reason: Alcohol dilutes the blood in the part of your ear called the cupula, which regulates balance. Putting your hand on something stable gives your brain another reference point, which will help make the world stop spinning.
9.) Stop a nose bleed by putting some cotton on your upper gums right behind the small dent below your nose and press against it hard. Most of the bleeding comes from the cartilage wall that divides the nose, so pressing there helps get it to stop.
10.) Nervous? Slow your heart rate down by blowing on your thumb. The vagus nerve controls your heart rate, and you can calm it down by breathing.
11.) Need to breathe underwater for a while? Instead of taking a huge breath, HYPERVENTILATE before you go under, by taking a bunch of short breaths. That'll trick your brain into thinking it has more oxygen, and buy you about 10 extra seconds.
12.) You can prevent BRAIN FREEZE by pressing your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much surface area as possible. Brain freeze happens because the nerves in the roof of your mouth get extremely cold, so your brain thinks your whole body is cold. It compensates by overheating which causes your head to hurt. By warming up the roof of your mouth, you'll chill your brain and feel better.
13.) If your hand falls asleep, rock your head from side to side. That'll wake your hand or arm up in less than a minute. Your hand falls asleep because of the nerves in your neck compressing so loosening your neck is the cure. If your foot falls asleep, that's governed by nerves lower in the body, so you need to stand up and walk around.
14.) Finally, this one's totally USELESS, but a nice trick. Have someone stick their arm out to the side, straight, palm down. Press down on his wrist with two fingers. He'll resist, and his arm will stay horizontal. Then, have him put his foot on a surface that's half an inch off the ground, like a stack of magazines, and do the trick again. Because his spine position is thrown off, his arm will fall right to his side, no matter how much he tries to resist.
15.) Got the hiccups? Press thumb and second finger over your eyebrows until the hiccups are over - usually, in a short while.
7.) You can stop a toothache by rubbing ice on the back of your hand, on the webbed area between your thumb and index finger. The nerve pathways there stimulate a part of the brain that blocks pain signals from your mouth.
8.) If you get all messed up on liquor, and the room starts spinning, put your hand on something stable. The reason: Alcohol dilutes the blood in the part of your ear called the cupula, which regulates balance. Putting your hand on something stable gives your brain another reference point, which will help make the world stop spinning.
9.) Stop a nose bleed by putting some cotton on your upper gums right behind the small dent below your nose and press against it hard. Most of the bleeding comes from the cartilage wall that divides the nose, so pressing there helps get it to stop.
10.) Nervous? Slow your heart rate down by blowing on your thumb. The vagus nerve controls your heart rate, and you can calm it down by breathing.
11.) Need to breathe underwater for a while? Instead of taking a huge breath, HYPERVENTILATE before you go under, by taking a bunch of short breaths. That'll trick your brain into thinking it has more oxygen, and buy you about 10 extra seconds.
12.) You can prevent BRAIN FREEZE by pressing your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much surface area as possible. Brain freeze happens because the nerves in the roof of your mouth get extremely cold, so your brain thinks your whole body is cold. It compensates by overheating which causes your head to hurt. By warming up the roof of your mouth, you'll chill your brain and feel better.
13.) If your hand falls asleep, rock your head from side to side. That'll wake your hand or arm up in less than a minute. Your hand falls asleep because of the nerves in your neck compressing so loosening your neck is the cure. If your foot falls asleep, that's governed by nerves lower in the body, so you need to stand up and walk around.
14.) Finally, this one's totally USELESS, but a nice trick. Have someone stick their arm out to the side, straight, palm down. Press down on his wrist with two fingers. He'll resist, and his arm will stay horizontal. Then, have him put his foot on a surface that's half an inch off the ground, like a stack of magazines, and do the trick again. Because his spine position is thrown off, his arm will fall right to his side, no matter how much he tries to resist.
15.) Got the hiccups? Press thumb and second finger over your eyebrows until the hiccups are over - usually, in a short while.
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Best selling bird hunting shirt
Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You are too young to smoke."
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear. --Edmund Burke, English statesman & philosopher
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***
"Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast." -Jay Leno
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"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon
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Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.
"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.
"No," replied Terra.
"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"
Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"
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Crocodile Dundee, Austin Powers, the Irish dude in 'The Crying Game' and the man in today's story are just a few of the people who can't tell that "It's a man, baby!"
Talk about your worst nightmare (for most men, anyway), a Belgian man is seeking to have his marriage annulled after discovering that his Indonesian wife of 19 years had been born a man.
The man, only named as Jan, married Monica, his family's former au pair in a previous marriage, in 1993 despite legal difficulties raised by the Belgian immigration authorities.
But it was only in recent weeks that he discovered that his wife had originally been a man and had undergone a sex change.
"I feel I've been assaulted," he told a local newspaper. "I brought her to Belgium. That was not easy. The Belgian courts had serious doubts about the authenticity of her birth and her identity papers, but eventually they accepted it anyway. I thought she was an attractive woman, all woman. She had no male traits."
Jan, 64, said that he and his wife had decided not to have children because he had two by his previous marriage and she fooled him by pretending to menstruate.
"Even during sex, I never noticed anything," he said. Sounds like a pretty successful operation to me!
For many years the couple lived a normal family life until their marriage started to come under strain. Rumors began to surface after Jan found "amorous messages" from other men on her computer.
Once he started investigating a friend told him that he had heard Monica was actually a sex-changed man.
"I pushed her against the wall and said: Now I know the truth. Are you a man? She then announced that she was born as a boy and that she had been operated on. She was now a woman, and so she did not need to tell me about her past as a man. My world collapsed. That evening came to blows. The police came."
Jan, who is undergoing psychiatric treatment following the discovery, has started legal proceedings to have the marriage annulled but the Belgian courts have so far refused to allow him to turn her out of the family home.
Just think, if "she" had not started cheating on him Jan might still be climbing into the old saddle, happily ignorant of his wife's missing man bits.
Talk about your worst nightmare (for most men, anyway), a Belgian man is seeking to have his marriage annulled after discovering that his Indonesian wife of 19 years had been born a man.
The man, only named as Jan, married Monica, his family's former au pair in a previous marriage, in 1993 despite legal difficulties raised by the Belgian immigration authorities.
But it was only in recent weeks that he discovered that his wife had originally been a man and had undergone a sex change.
"I feel I've been assaulted," he told a local newspaper. "I brought her to Belgium. That was not easy. The Belgian courts had serious doubts about the authenticity of her birth and her identity papers, but eventually they accepted it anyway. I thought she was an attractive woman, all woman. She had no male traits."
Jan, 64, said that he and his wife had decided not to have children because he had two by his previous marriage and she fooled him by pretending to menstruate.
"Even during sex, I never noticed anything," he said. Sounds like a pretty successful operation to me!
For many years the couple lived a normal family life until their marriage started to come under strain. Rumors began to surface after Jan found "amorous messages" from other men on her computer.
Once he started investigating a friend told him that he had heard Monica was actually a sex-changed man.
"I pushed her against the wall and said: Now I know the truth. Are you a man? She then announced that she was born as a boy and that she had been operated on. She was now a woman, and so she did not need to tell me about her past as a man. My world collapsed. That evening came to blows. The police came."
Jan, who is undergoing psychiatric treatment following the discovery, has started legal proceedings to have the marriage annulled but the Belgian courts have so far refused to allow him to turn her out of the family home.
Just think, if "she" had not started cheating on him Jan might still be climbing into the old saddle, happily ignorant of his wife's missing man bits.
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The Pagan Circle's photo.
This January, why not start the year with an empty jar and fill it with notes about good things that happen. Then, on New Years Eve, empty it and see what awesome stuff happened that year. Good way to keep things in perspective! ~Krystal~
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Russians offered end-of-world kit for $27
MOSCOW - Russians can face the Mayan apocalypse fully prepared thanks to a kit being sold that includes a bottle of vodka and -- as a nod to pessimists -- some rope. For those who think they might have a chance of surviving whatever comes on Dec. 21, the kits contain other staples: a packet of buckwheat, a can of fish, candles, matches, notepad, pencil, heart and other medication, and soap. It also has a helpful tutorial on post-apocalypse board games to pass the time after the world as we know it comes to an end. The kits, produced by a local bridal party operator as a joke gift, cost 890 rubles ($27), RIA Novosti reported Monday. Funny or not, the sale of more than 1,000 of the kits prompted local officials to put the kibosh on the operation because special permits are needed to sell alcohol or medication. The kits are in response to the supposed cataclysm to come at the end to the 5,000-year Mayan calendar, which lists Dec. 21 as its final date.
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Q and A Quickies
Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You are too young to smoke."
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
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QUOTE: "A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water."
HINT: (1922-), American actor, film director, producer, writer, and comedian.
ANSWER: Carl Reiner.
HINT: (1922-), American actor, film director, producer, writer, and comedian.
ANSWER: Carl Reiner.
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Thank you for the outpouring of love for this wonderful new addition to the family! Some of you asked about the harness in the last photo… The animal care staff placed the harness on the baby to help her stand and stay steady so that she could nurse and get the nutrients she needs. However, keepers have since removed it and she is now resting comfortably with her mother. Keep the great questions coming. We can't wait for you to meet her — we'll let you know as soon we are able.
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RANDOM TIDBITS
The National Weather Service only classifies a snowstorm as a blizzard if it meets certain requirements. The blowing snow must reduce visibility to one quarter mile or less for at least three hours.
At any given time, snow covers approximately one quarter of the surface of the earth.
Snow actually helps the weather stay chilly. When the white stuff covers the ground, warming rays from the sun are reflected out into space, and heat has difficulty penetrating the ground, keeping temperatures lower.
In centuries past, tales of snow during warm weather have most commonly been attributed to nearby volcanic eruptions, after which white pieces of ash may float from the sky looking like snow.
Snowflakes take various shapes, but all are based on a hexagonal (six-sided) pattern inherent to the crystals in ice. The "arms" of a snowflake are technically known as dendrites.
Despite the regular heat, it does snow near the equator, but only in the very highest elevations, like 19,340-foot-tall Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania.
The National Weather Service only classifies a snowstorm as a blizzard if it meets certain requirements. The blowing snow must reduce visibility to one quarter mile or less for at least three hours.
At any given time, snow covers approximately one quarter of the surface of the earth.
Snow actually helps the weather stay chilly. When the white stuff covers the ground, warming rays from the sun are reflected out into space, and heat has difficulty penetrating the ground, keeping temperatures lower.
In centuries past, tales of snow during warm weather have most commonly been attributed to nearby volcanic eruptions, after which white pieces of ash may float from the sky looking like snow.
Snowflakes take various shapes, but all are based on a hexagonal (six-sided) pattern inherent to the crystals in ice. The "arms" of a snowflake are technically known as dendrites.
Despite the regular heat, it does snow near the equator, but only in the very highest elevations, like 19,340-foot-tall Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania.
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Tonight's near record Powerball jackpot is giving the nation lottery fever. Hopefuls are snapping up $2 tickets at a rate of more than 100,000 a minute. But what are they getting themselves into?
Random Facts:
The odds of winning are astronomical: about 175 million-to-1, according to Powerball. And even if you do win, you won't bring home all $550 million. The federal government takes a quarter of the jackpot in taxes, most states take a small share, and some cities even take a slice. That puts the actual cash value of the winnings around $360 million.
If you do win you could fall prey to the "lottery curse". According to Chelmsford wealth counselor Szifra Birke, roughly one-third of lottery winners find themselves in serious financial trouble or bankrupt within five years of turning in their lucky numbers. But I bet most people would be willing to take the risk.
Random Facts:
The odds of winning are astronomical: about 175 million-to-1, according to Powerball. And even if you do win, you won't bring home all $550 million. The federal government takes a quarter of the jackpot in taxes, most states take a small share, and some cities even take a slice. That puts the actual cash value of the winnings around $360 million.
If you do win you could fall prey to the "lottery curse". According to Chelmsford wealth counselor Szifra Birke, roughly one-third of lottery winners find themselves in serious financial trouble or bankrupt within five years of turning in their lucky numbers. But I bet most people would be willing to take the risk.
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A new word is like a fresh seed sown on the ground of the discussion. --Wittgenstein
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No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear. --Edmund Burke, English statesman & philosopher
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The relationship between the New York Times and the US government is, as usual, anything but adversarial. Indeed, these emails read like the interactions between a PR representative and his client as they plan in anticipation of a possible crisis.
--Glenn Greenwald, journalist on CIA & NYT collusion
--Glenn Greenwald, journalist on CIA & NYT collusion
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Predictions of socioeconomic variables
are as dependable as the horoscope-
so let's not rely on them in 2013. Instead
we will need systems that don't
fall apart when we make a mistake.
--Nassim Taleb
are as dependable as the horoscope-
so let's not rely on them in 2013. Instead
we will need systems that don't
fall apart when we make a mistake.
--Nassim Taleb
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The zone is a state of mind which is marked by a sense of calmness. In addition, there is a heightened sense of awareness and focus. Actions seem effortless and there is an increased belief that your dreams or goals can become achievable and real. In addition, there is also a sense of deep enjoyment when the person is in this unique, special and magical state of being.
~ Dr. Jay Granat, Sports Psychologist
~ Dr. Jay Granat, Sports Psychologist
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Facebook has been buckling down on its patrolling duties, first removing a photo of a woman whose elbow resembled a breast, and then deleting a photo of a digitally sliced woman showing her breasts and butt.
In October, Australian men's magazine Zoo Weekly posted a photo of a bikini-clad woman, cut in half at the torso, as part of its "Left or right?" game, in which the publication asks readers to choose which side they like better. The "boobs or butt" photo, which has since been removed, asked men which half they preferred and why.
Comments from Zoo Weekly fans on the disembodied woman were overtly sexist. BuzzFeed posted a screenshot of some of the comments, including "Right cause two holes are better than one" and "left cause it can still make me sandwich."
The ASB ruled that Zoo Weekly was in violation of its standards code and upheld the complaints. The photo was removed from Facebook for being too "demeaning,"according to Gizmodo.
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"Chicago has changed a lot since the last time we were here. I'm having a hard time calling the Sears Tower the Willis Tower. It just feels wrong. It's like calling the Olive Garden an Italian restaurant." -Conan O'Brien
"Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast." -Jay Leno
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"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon
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Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.
"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.
"No," replied Terra.
"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"
Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"
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A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality--sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."
"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
"I'm Batman."
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality--sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."
"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
"I'm Batman."
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I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us,
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.
And as we lay making love, I thought...
"These taser guns are so worth the money."
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There was an instant spark between us,
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.
And as we lay making love, I thought...
"These taser guns are so worth the money."
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An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
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One of my submissions for the Resorts World Christmas Album =] Enjoy
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Da Beer Run and Common Sense
Kirk and Kay lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over. Kirk asked Kay if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, yust put it on our tab."
So Kay valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven
she got home and gave Kirk his beer, she asked him, "Kirk, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?"
Kirk replied, "Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn't sure how tick da ice vas yet."
Thanks, Cindy
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It never fails; right around Thanksgiving bizarre turkey related stories always start popping up. And this year is no exception.
I was particularly amused by the suicide turkey in Sheboygan, WI who launched a preemptive strike on Thanksgiving last week. Utility officials say the turkey flew into a power line in Sheboygan County knocking out power for about 1,500 people.
But the real story comes from Gulf Breeze, FL where investigators say a neighbor and his friend used a bow and arrow to shoot and kill a family's pet turkey for their Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheriff's deputies arrested two Santa Rosa County teens charging them with armed burglary, armed trespassing, theft of livestock and animal cruelty.
The teens told deputies they planned to eat the 30-pound turkey for Thanksgiving. I guess food stamps are a little harder to get in Florida.
Animal lovers Brian and Christa Caponi live on 6 acres and have a multitude animals, but they said this turkey was special because he was so friendly. In fact, the Caponis said he was more like a family dog than a turkey.
Although a family dog would not go nearly so well with stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy.
I was particularly amused by the suicide turkey in Sheboygan, WI who launched a preemptive strike on Thanksgiving last week. Utility officials say the turkey flew into a power line in Sheboygan County knocking out power for about 1,500 people.
But the real story comes from Gulf Breeze, FL where investigators say a neighbor and his friend used a bow and arrow to shoot and kill a family's pet turkey for their Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheriff's deputies arrested two Santa Rosa County teens charging them with armed burglary, armed trespassing, theft of livestock and animal cruelty.
The teens told deputies they planned to eat the 30-pound turkey for Thanksgiving. I guess food stamps are a little harder to get in Florida.
Animal lovers Brian and Christa Caponi live on 6 acres and have a multitude animals, but they said this turkey was special because he was so friendly. In fact, the Caponis said he was more like a family dog than a turkey.
Although a family dog would not go nearly so well with stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
.... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
.... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Healthy Living from Health.com http://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top2
BOBBI BROWN'S 17 SECRETS TO BETTER SKIN
Dry skin? Signs of aging? Help! Look and feel younger this holiday season with
these 17 anti-aging and skincare tips from beauty expert Bobbi Brown.http://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top24
THROW A GLUTEN-FREE PARTY!
Spinach dip, basil shrimp, and morehttp://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top25
YOUR GREAT-HAIR GUIDE
How to get glossy, sexy tresseshttp://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top26
NEED SOME ENERGY?
Find out if vitamins will do the trickhttp://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top27
BOBBI BROWN'S 17 SECRETS TO BETTER SKIN
Dry skin? Signs of aging? Help! Look and feel younger this holiday season with
these 17 anti-aging and skincare tips from beauty expert Bobbi Brown.http://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top24
THROW A GLUTEN-FREE PARTY!
Spinach dip, basil shrimp, and morehttp://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top25
YOUR GREAT-HAIR GUIDE
How to get glossy, sexy tresseshttp://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top26
NEED SOME ENERGY?
Find out if vitamins will do the trickhttp://health.chtah.net/a/tBQtl9kBFYNexB8vaGBCFNC1EaO/top27
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1877, five-year-old Bertrand Russell asked his Aunt Agatha, "Aunty, do limpets think?"
She said, "I don't know."
He said, "Then you must learn."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
aletude
n. corpulency
n. corpulency
gundygut
n. a voracious eater
n. a voracious eater
"Imprisoned in every fat man a thin one is wildly signalling to be let out." -- Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave, 1944
"Outside every fat man there was an even fatter man trying to close in." -- Kingsley Amis, One Fat Englishman, 1963
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: Lonely Planet Travel
http://www.evtv1.com/video/Alaska_Lonely_Planet_Travel.aspx
You'll see more than 80 straight days of sunlight giving you plenty of time to admire the icy landscapes of the Arctic Ocean - home to the Inupiat people for thousands of years.
You'll see more than 80 straight days of sunlight giving you plenty of time to admire the icy landscapes of the Arctic Ocean - home to the Inupiat people for thousands of years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mondrian Apple: taste mathematics (by Louis Davidson)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q and A Quickies
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator!
Q: Why can't you bend a coin?
A: Change Is Hard!
"A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It's like a website, but all the information is from yesterday." -Craig Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I'm still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs." -Jimmy Fallon
"Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age." - Christopher Morley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend." -Craig Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A new version of the Bible is being published that is gender-neutral. For instance, the books of 'Mark, Luke, and John' are now the books of 'Kris, Jean, and Terry.'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know the secret of making the average American believe anything I want him to. Just let me control television. Americans are wired into their television sets. Over the last 30 years, they have come to look at their television sets and the images on the screen as reality.
You put something on television and it becomes reality. If the world outside the television set contradicts the images, people start changing the world to make it more like the images and sounds of their television. Because its influence is so great, so pervasive, it has become part of our lives. You lose your sense of what is being done to you, but your mind is being shaped and molded. --Hal Becker, Futures Group think-tank veteran
One of my favorite authors, Dana Stabenow, has been added to another prestigious list. If you haven't read the Kate Shugak series of mysteries set in Alaska, start now. Book # 20, Bad Blood, comes out this February. As an avid fan, I met Ms Stabenow at her 2012 'Restless in the Grave' booksigning at Powell's Books where she autographed my book and I gave her some homemade cookies. I am a proud member of the Danamaniacs, and own a 'FOM (Friends of Mutt) Mug'.
A friend told me "I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt."
I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper.
Long and useful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs."
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
"Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
-- Unknown Prosecution, Unknown Defense
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....
"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".
The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"
"It's a small world, unless you have to clean it." -- from the cover of Snog's "Dear Valued Customer" album
Are YOU A HARD MAN?
1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?
a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4/. If you break wind during the night do you?
a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off.
"Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love." -Craig Ferguson
A leathery snake,
With a stinging bite,
I'll stay coiled up,
Unless I must fight.
What am I?
ANSWER: A whip.
With a stinging bite,
I'll stay coiled up,
Unless I must fight.
What am I?
ANSWER: A whip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator!
Q: Why can't you bend a coin?
A: Change Is Hard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTE: "What people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can."
HINT: Was an American author, development critic, naturalist, transcendentalist, pacifist, tax resister and philosopher who is famous for Walden.
ANSWER: Henry Thoreau
HINT: Was an American author, development critic, naturalist, transcendentalist, pacifist, tax resister and philosopher who is famous for Walden.
ANSWER: Henry Thoreau
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RANDOM TIDBITS
Alaska has more caribou than people.
Endocarp is the edible pulp inside a lemon.
A turkey can run 20 miles-per-hour.
The world's largest flower is also one of the worst smelling flowers. Rafflesia Arnoldii is often over 3 feet wide and its petals are almost an inch thick. You wouldn't want it in your garden, however, because it smells like a rotting animal. The flower is attempting to attract flies for pollination.
Zsa Zsa Gabor was the first - and only - recipient of a Golden Globe Award for "Most Glamorous Actress." She won the peculiar award in 1958. The category was deleted thereafter.
In 1926, when a Los Angeles restaurant owner with the all-American name of Bob Cobb was looking for a way to use up leftovers, he threw together some avocado, celery, tomato, chives, watercress, hard-boiled eggs, chicken, bacon, and Roquefort cheese, and named it after himself: Cobb salad.
Alaska has more caribou than people.
Endocarp is the edible pulp inside a lemon.
A turkey can run 20 miles-per-hour.
The world's largest flower is also one of the worst smelling flowers. Rafflesia Arnoldii is often over 3 feet wide and its petals are almost an inch thick. You wouldn't want it in your garden, however, because it smells like a rotting animal. The flower is attempting to attract flies for pollination.
Zsa Zsa Gabor was the first - and only - recipient of a Golden Globe Award for "Most Glamorous Actress." She won the peculiar award in 1958. The category was deleted thereafter.
In 1926, when a Los Angeles restaurant owner with the all-American name of Bob Cobb was looking for a way to use up leftovers, he threw together some avocado, celery, tomato, chives, watercress, hard-boiled eggs, chicken, bacon, and Roquefort cheese, and named it after himself: Cobb salad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling." -David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It's like a website, but all the information is from yesterday." -Craig Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I'm still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs." -Jimmy Fallon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"
John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice house wouldn't hurt either."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"
John: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice house wouldn't hurt either."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"
John: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave. He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa.
Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.
The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbor walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the salesman.
"No, they dont," replied the neighbor. "They're deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to trim the bushes, but the husband is telling the wife 'Fuck no! I'm going fishing.'"
Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.
The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbor walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the salesman.
"No, they dont," replied the neighbor. "They're deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to trim the bushes, but the husband is telling the wife 'Fuck no! I'm going fishing.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The human body is an incredible machine. It is an engineering miracle we don't take enough time to appreciate!
Man has tiny bones once meant for a tail and unworkable muscles once meant to move his ears.
If 80 percent of your liver were to be removed, the remaining part would continue to function, and eventually the liver would have reconstituted itself to its original size.
Man has tiny bones once meant for a tail and unworkable muscles once meant to move his ears.
If 80 percent of your liver were to be removed, the remaining part would continue to function, and eventually the liver would have reconstituted itself to its original size.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." - Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age." - Christopher Morley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange." - Fred Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beaches in Italy are now training dogs to become lifeguards. That should work as long as someone throws a tennis ball at you while you're drowning." -Jimmy Fallon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend." -Craig Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A new version of the Bible is being published that is gender-neutral. For instance, the books of 'Mark, Luke, and John' are now the books of 'Kris, Jean, and Terry.'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know the secret of making the average American believe anything I want him to. Just let me control television. Americans are wired into their television sets. Over the last 30 years, they have come to look at their television sets and the images on the screen as reality.
You put something on television and it becomes reality. If the world outside the television set contradicts the images, people start changing the world to make it more like the images and sounds of their television. Because its influence is so great, so pervasive, it has become part of our lives. You lose your sense of what is being done to you, but your mind is being shaped and molded. --Hal Becker, Futures Group think-tank veteran
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
It's the inevitable price of imperial arrogance making leaders feel invulnerable till they no longer are, and it's too late. -- Stephen Lendman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now it can be told…
I’m THRILLED to inform you that [Though Not Dead has] won the Nero Award for Best Novel of 2011!!! We’ll disseminate the info via various social media and send out news releases to bookstores, libraries, and the media on December 2, 2012, the day after the official announcement at the Winter Banquet. Until then, please help us keep it a surprise…
…As you know, the Nero celebrates literary excellence in the tradition of Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe stories. On behalf of the Wolfe Pack, congratulations! You join a stellar group of authors—Lawrence Block won the first Nero. Other past winners include Lee Child, Dennis Lehane, Tess Gerritsen, and Martha Grimes, among others.
One of my favorite authors, Dana Stabenow, has been added to another prestigious list. If you haven't read the Kate Shugak series of mysteries set in Alaska, start now. Book # 20, Bad Blood, comes out this February. As an avid fan, I met Ms Stabenow at her 2012 'Restless in the Grave' booksigning at Powell's Books where she autographed my book and I gave her some homemade cookies. I am a proud member of the Danamaniacs, and own a 'FOM (Friends of Mutt) Mug'.
"You must be Jeanne" she said as she saw the cookies I brought her.
~~~~~~~~~
The twentieth Kate Shugak novel, in Kate Shugak’s twentieth year of publication.
Dana says, “A Romeo Aleut and an Athabascan Juliet. Yes, in true Shakespearean tradition, there are multiple bodies on the ground before the curtain falls. Although not quite the bodies you might perhaps expect…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no safety in unlimited technological hubris.
-- McGeorge Bundy, NSA for JFK and LBJ
-- McGeorge Bundy, NSA for JFK and LBJ
A thunderstorm cell formed over Corio Bay, Victoria, on March 14, 2012; and amateur photographer James Collier was there to capture the moment in which a cumulonimbus cloud is illuminated by lightning. The picture was chosen as part of the Australian Weather Calendar 2013.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nairobi, Kenya -- A Kenyan doctor who removed a bean stuck in the ear of a young girl forced it back when her parents said they couldn't afford the bill, local newspapers reported Wednesday.
The Daily Nation said the doctor successfully removed the bean from the child's ear and then presented the parents with a bill for $5.75.
When they said they did not have enough money, the doctor grabbed the child, forced the bean back into her ear and ejected the family from his workplace.
The Kenya Medical Association said it was investigating the incident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Daily Nation said the doctor successfully removed the bean from the child's ear and then presented the parents with a bill for $5.75.
When they said they did not have enough money, the doctor grabbed the child, forced the bean back into her ear and ejected the family from his workplace.
The Kenya Medical Association said it was investigating the incident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex
is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- Jerry Seinfeld
is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- Jerry Seinfeld
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend told me "I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper.
Long and useful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Asked whether he would give his life to save a drowning brother, J.B.S. Haldane said, "No, but I would to save two brothers or eight cousins."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I use way too much lubrication when I masturbate.
It gets out of hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
A. So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1859, Harvard treasurer Henry G. Denny sent out an appeal for funds to buy books for the college library. Among the replies he found this:
Dear Sir,Enclosed please find five dollars, for the object above described. I would gladly give more, but this exceeds my income from all sources together for the last four months.Y'rs respectfully,Henry D. Thoreau
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On April 23, 1982, the Florida keys seceded from the Union. Frustrated that a U.S. Border Patrol checkpoint was obstructing the main artery to the mainland, Key West mayor Dennis Wardlow opted for a lighthearted public relations campaign: He proclaimed his "Conch Republic" a separate nation, declared war on the United States, surrendered one minute later, and applied for $1 billion in foreign aid.
Since then the republic has maintained an uneasy peace with its giant neighbor. On Sept. 20, 1995, when an Army reserve battalion forgot to notify Key West of local training exercises, Wardlow mobilized for war. He sent letters to Bill Clinton, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and secretary of state Warren Christopher, and his militia engaged La Dichosa Bakery to bake Cuban bread with which to pelt the convoy ("our historic weapon of choice for dealing with Federalist Forces") and Key West Lager "to provide the beer."
By 10:50 p.m. they had received a fax from the battalion's leaders stating that they had "in no way meant to challenge or impugn the sovereignty of the Conch Republic." An official surrender ceremony was held two days later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs."
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
"Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
-- Unknown Prosecution, Unknown Defense
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have never yet met anyone who did not think it was an agreeable sensation to cut tinfoil with scissors." -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Near a streetcorner in Winslow, Ariz., trompe l'oeil artist John Pugh has painted six windows. On an upper sill perches an eagle, and in the lower windows is reflected a girl in a flatbed Ford -- presumably slowing down.
In 1980 Pugh received a commission from his alma mater, California State University, Chico, to paint a mural on the side of Taylor Hall. Shortly after its completion, a woman who worked across the street called the administration to ask when the wall would be repaired.
With his mural Art Imitating Life Imitating Art Imitating Life at San Jose's Cafe Espresso, Pugh created a convincing extension of the restaurant's interior. Everything within the brick proscenium -- the alcove, sculpture, painting, stairway, cat, and woman -- was painted by hand.
After the mural was completed in February 1997, a male patron tried to introduce himself to the woman and complained to a manager that she was giving him the "silent treatment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....
"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".
The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's a small world, unless you have to clean it." -- from the cover of Snog's "Dear Valued Customer" album
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?"
A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?"
Indian says" Me tellum time."
Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says "You telling time?
" yup"
"how can you tell time like that?"
Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow".
Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating.
Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too."
Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do porn websites have the “Google plus” sharing thing?
I don’t want everyone knowing I use Google plus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are YOU A HARD MAN?
1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?
a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4/. If you break wind during the night do you?
a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off.
c) Blame her and give her a boot.
5/. If she breaks wind do you?
a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro. Do you?
5/. If she breaks wind do you?
a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro. Do you?
a) Close the door quietly and clear off.
b) Join in and stick it up the negro's arse.
c) Dowse them both with petrol and set fire to the cunts.
7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and she's in the bath. Do you?
a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the shell".
7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and she's in the bath. Do you?
a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the shell".
c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings taking off.
8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the Ribena ad.
9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get pissed.
10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.
SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the Ribena ad.
9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get pissed.
10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.
SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love." -Craig Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who are environmentally minded it is important to know what is environmentally friendly versus what is merely "not toxic." For example; a lot of material, including many kinds of plastic, will readily degrade, but not necessarily biodegrade.
* Degradable
A material that breaks down through chemical reactions rather than through the activity of microorganisms (fracture into smaller and smaller pieces). This is largely what the great Pacific garbage patch is made up of.
* Biodegradable
A material that breaks down with the assistance of micro- organisms, eventually returning to its original organic components.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. -- Marvin Minsky
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RANDOM TIDBITS
The Emmy Awards finally gave daytime shows their own category in 1974. The first show to win for Outstanding Daytime Drama was The Doctors, which beat out rivals Days of Our Lives and General Hospital.
If you think soap operas got their name from the soap companies that advertised heavily during the programs, then you're correct. Advertisers knew that housewives and stay-at-home moms were a perfect, captive audience for their goods.
The Young and the Restless star Jeanne Cooper underwent a facelift in 1984. She pitched producers the idea of including real filmed footage of the surgery in the show, as if her character (Katherine Chancellor) had experienced the same procedure, and they incorporated it into the soap's storyline.
In the first deal of its kind, the soap opera Passions announced in April 2007 that it wasn't being cancelled after all, but that the show would leave NBC and continue airing new episodes as an exclusive to subscribers of the DirecTV satellite service.
The familiar theme song for the long-running daytime soap Days of Our Lives was cowritten by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart, who were best known for penning many late-1960s pop hits, including The Monkees' "Last Train to Clarksville."
Bo Derek may have been a 10 in the movies, but her 1998 evening soap opera Wind on Water lasted only two episodes before NBC pulled the plug.
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* Degradable
A material that breaks down through chemical reactions rather than through the activity of microorganisms (fracture into smaller and smaller pieces). This is largely what the great Pacific garbage patch is made up of.
* Biodegradable
A material that breaks down with the assistance of micro- organisms, eventually returning to its original organic components.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. -- Marvin Minsky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
On visiting the Gold Pavilion Temple in Kyoto, Douglas Adams was impressed at how well the 14th-century structure had weathered the passage of time. His Japanese guide told him that it hadn't weathered well at all; in fact it had burned to the ground twice in the 20th century.
"So this isn't the original building?" Adams asked.
"But yes, of course it is."
"But it's been burned down?"
"Yes."
"Twice."
"Many times."
"And rebuilt."
"Of course. It is an important and historic building."
"With completely new materials."
"But of course. It was burned down."
"So how can it be the same building?"
"It is always the same building."
"I had to admit to myself that this was in fact a perfectly rational point of view, it merely started from an unexpected premise," Adams wrote. The essence of a building is its design, the intention of the builder. The materials may decay and be replaced, but these are only instantiations of a persistent idea. "I couldn't feel entirely comfortable with this view, because it fought against my basic Western assumptions," Adams wrote, "but I did see the point."
From Last Chance to See. John Locke asked: If I keep patching holes in my sock until none of the original material remains, is it the same sock? And see Ship Shape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
What falls but doesn't break, and what breaks but doesn't fall?
ANSWER: Night and day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTE: "Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future."
HINT: (1876-1958), American inventor, engineer, businessman, and the holder of 186 patents.
ANSWER: Charles F. Kettering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What falls but doesn't break, and what breaks but doesn't fall?
ANSWER: Night and day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTE: "Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future."
HINT: (1876-1958), American inventor, engineer, businessman, and the holder of 186 patents.
ANSWER: Charles F. Kettering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RANDOM TIDBITS
The Emmy Awards finally gave daytime shows their own category in 1974. The first show to win for Outstanding Daytime Drama was The Doctors, which beat out rivals Days of Our Lives and General Hospital.
If you think soap operas got their name from the soap companies that advertised heavily during the programs, then you're correct. Advertisers knew that housewives and stay-at-home moms were a perfect, captive audience for their goods.
The Young and the Restless star Jeanne Cooper underwent a facelift in 1984. She pitched producers the idea of including real filmed footage of the surgery in the show, as if her character (Katherine Chancellor) had experienced the same procedure, and they incorporated it into the soap's storyline.
In the first deal of its kind, the soap opera Passions announced in April 2007 that it wasn't being cancelled after all, but that the show would leave NBC and continue airing new episodes as an exclusive to subscribers of the DirecTV satellite service.
The familiar theme song for the long-running daytime soap Days of Our Lives was cowritten by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart, who were best known for penning many late-1960s pop hits, including The Monkees' "Last Train to Clarksville."
Bo Derek may have been a 10 in the movies, but her 1998 evening soap opera Wind on Water lasted only two episodes before NBC pulled the plug.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pL5vzIMAhs
Neil deGrasse Tyson was asked by the Templeton Foundation to answer the question "Does the Universe Have a Purpose". Then he read his answer aloud and I drew some pictures for it. http://www.templeton.org/purpose/
Neil deGrasse Tyson was asked by the Templeton Foundation to answer the question "Does the Universe Have a Purpose". Then he read his answer aloud and I drew some pictures for it. http://www.templeton.org/purpose/
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This is the essence of intuitive heuristics: when faced with a difficult question, we often answer an easier one instead, usually without noticing the substitution. ~ Daniel Kahneman
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A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself", the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe!"
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe!"
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This prehistoric-looking-monste
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTE: "The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves."
HINT: (1778-1830), English writer, remembered for his humanistic essays and literary criticism
ANSWER: William Hazlitt.
HINT: (1778-1830), English writer, remembered for his humanistic essays and literary criticism
ANSWER: William Hazlitt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until 2007, this unassuming railway station in North Wales went by the name Gorsafawddacha'idraigodanheddogleddollônpenrhynareurdraethceredigion.
This was an attempt to outdo Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, a village on the island of Anglesey, for the distinction of the longest place name in Europe.
Perhaps because of the apostrophe, the bid was little recognized, and in 2007 the name was reduced, rather drastically, to Golf Halt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while." -- fortune
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Living in a vacuum sucks." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is 'Avalanche!' (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill)." -- The Skiers' Dictionary
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is 'Avalanche!' (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill)." -- The Skiers' Dictionary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!
(The Thanksgiving Special)
Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The Thanksgiving Special)
Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RANDOM TIDBITS
Butterflies range in size from a tiny 1/8 inch to a huge almost 12 inches.
Butterflies can see red, green, and yellow.
The top butterfly flight speed is 12 miles per hour. Some moths can fly 25 miles per hour!
Monarch butterflies journey from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico, a distance of about 2,000 miles, and return to the north again in the spring.
Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature is less than 86 degrees.
Many insects can carry 50 times their own body weight. This would be like an adult person lifting two heavy cars full of people.
Butterflies range in size from a tiny 1/8 inch to a huge almost 12 inches.
Butterflies can see red, green, and yellow.
The top butterfly flight speed is 12 miles per hour. Some moths can fly 25 miles per hour!
Monarch butterflies journey from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico, a distance of about 2,000 miles, and return to the north again in the spring.
Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature is less than 86 degrees.
Many insects can carry 50 times their own body weight. This would be like an adult person lifting two heavy cars full of people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sold
Letter to the Times, May 19, 1932:
Sir,I wonder if any of your male readers suffer as I do from what I can only describe as 'Shop-shyness'? When I go into a shop I never seem to be able to get what I want, and I certainly never want what I eventually get. Take hats. When I want a grey soft hat which I have seen in the window priced at 17s. 6d. I come out with a brown hat (which doesn't suit me) costing 35s. All because I have not the pluck to insist upon having what I want. I have got into the habit of saying weakly, 'Yes, I'll have that one,' just because the shop assistant assures me that it suits me, fits me, and is a far, far better article than the one I originally asked for.It is the same with shoes. In a shoe shop I am like clay in the hands of a potter. 'I want a pair of black shoes,' I say, 'about twenty-five shillings -- like those in the window.' The man kneels down, measures my foot, produces a cardboard box, shoves on a shoe, and assures me it is 'a nice fit.' I get up and walk about. 'How much are these?' I ask. 'These are fifty-two and six, Sir,' he says, 'a very superior shoe, Sir.' After that I simply dare not ask to see the inferior shoes at 25s., which is all I had meant to pay. 'Very well,' I say in my weak way, 'I'll take these.' And I do. I also take a bottle of cream polish, a pair of 'gent's half-hose,' and some aluminium shoe-trees which the fellow persuades me to let him pack up with the shoes. I have made a mess of my shopping as usual.Is there any cure for 'shop-shyness'? Is there any 'Course of Shopping Lessons' during which I could as it were 'Buy while I Learned'? If so I should like to hear of it. For I have just received a price list of 'Very Attractive Gent's Spring Suitings,' and I am afraid -- yes I am afraid ... !I am, Sir, your obedient servant,W. Hodgson Burnet
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If you have never made one of these , make one they last a long time. When your guest come over place them outside and lite them up. I use a bunt pan, place greens or what ever you like into the pan add water and freeze, then place the candle in the center hole.
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The first Thanksgiving in 1621 was when English settlers and their new Native American neighbors gathered to feast on the fruits of their first harvest in the New World.
Nearly 400 years later, Thanksgiving is a far cry from the days of farming, hunting and gathering in the New England wilderness. Today's feast is likely to have traveled an estimated 1,500 to 2,500 miles from farm to plate, 25 percent farther than in 1980.
While it is unrealistic (more likely impossible) to harvest and gather our food like the pilgrims did, do our meals really need to travel two thousand miles to our dinner tables?
Nearly 400 years later, Thanksgiving is a far cry from the days of farming, hunting and gathering in the New England wilderness. Today's feast is likely to have traveled an estimated 1,500 to 2,500 miles from farm to plate, 25 percent farther than in 1980.
While it is unrealistic (more likely impossible) to harvest and gather our food like the pilgrims did, do our meals really need to travel two thousand miles to our dinner tables?
While Thanksgiving was yesterday the lessons we can learn from the 100-mile-Thanksgiving can be applied to our daily diets; namely creating meals from local ingredients.
All those classic Thanksgiving favorites -- sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing, apple or pumpkin pie, apple cider and a green vegetable -- are all available from farms within 100 miles of most cities.
And not only will you be saving the environment all of those miles transporting your meal, you will also be supporting your local economy and not sending your dollars to Florida, California or even South America (unless you live in Florida, California or South America).
All those classic Thanksgiving favorites -- sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing, apple or pumpkin pie, apple cider and a green vegetable -- are all available from farms within 100 miles of most cities.
And not only will you be saving the environment all of those miles transporting your meal, you will also be supporting your local economy and not sending your dollars to Florida, California or even South America (unless you live in Florida, California or South America).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
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"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." -Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was talking to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"
One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
"For the first time ever, more than half of all senior citizens in the U.S. are using the Internet. Yeah, I read that when my grandma sent the entire story to me in the subject line of an email." -Jimmy Fallon
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"People around the world think America is the coolest country. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an explosion to walk away from while I put on sunglasses in slow motion." -Jimmy Kimmel
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There has been a lot of talk about conserving energy. Like keeping the thermostat down in the winter. Using low energy bulbs. Turning off lights. Using less gas. It made me realize, my dad was like the first environmentalist. He would walk around the house yelling, 'turn off those lights! Turn the heat down!' He was green before his time." -Jay Leno
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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die."
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Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The precepts of the law are these: to live honestly, to injure no one, and to give everyone else his due. --Cicero
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As with the flammable material accumulating on the forest floor in the absence of forest fires, problems hide in the absence of stressors, and the resulting cumulative harm can take on tragic proportions. --Nassim Taleb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The essence of genius is to know what to overlook. --William James
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. --F. Scott Fitzgerald
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of; and I hope you do things you're not proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again. --F. Scott Fitzgerald
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator?
A: Because The organe Juice said concentrate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A: Because The organe Juice said concentrate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
them instantly.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
A grapefruit!
A grapefruit!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seen on the back of a food service delivery van:
Driver does not carry more than $50 worth of lasagna
Driver does not carry more than $50 worth of lasagna
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An anonymous, offline peer to peer file-sharing network.
Cat and owl are best friends.
Man plays one note a day for 93 days...
World's best cat toy.
An old man plays the spoons to a variety of songs.
Want to help someone?
Cat and owl are best friends.
Man plays one note a day for 93 days...
World's best cat toy.
An old man plays the spoons to a variety of songs.
Want to help someone?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i cream
custom create your own ice cream, frozen yogurt, shake, or pudding on the spot
you design it. we create it instantly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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California cove filled to overflowing with nature’s beauty – and way too much bird poop!
In beautiful La Jolla Cove, art galleries and coffee shops meet a stretch of unspoiled cliffs and Pacific Ocean. Home to former presidential candidates (Mitt Romney has been spotted pumping his own gas here in recent days) and seal colonies alike, the neighborhood provides one of this city’s primary tourist draws.
But the smell, a pungent stench that emanates from the accumulation of bird feces on the rocks, has become a growing problem. And strict environmental regulations in the cove have stymied the city’s efforts to address the problem before it drives tourists and businesses away, effectively roping the rocks off with red tape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Modern Love Poem
A Trite Redundant Poem With a Laughable Excuse For a Structure
Addressed To Absolutely No One in Particular and Whose Only Redeeming
Value is That It's Short
a.k.a. A Modern Love Poem
My dearest darling with long dark hair and eyes azure,
My love for you is eternal, tried, and sure.
I stare into the infinite depths of your eyes,
But I often find my gaze directed at your thighs.
Everyone appreciates your unsurpassed beauty and grace,
Your perfect supple form and enchanting face.
Some say beauty is fleeting, and boy do I agree.
Your personality sucks, so when you're 40, with you I will not be.
My sweet, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
One...uh...one...hmm...number one...gimme a chance... how about the
way your body sways?
Let me once more restate my love for you.
65% of the time, to you I'm true.
There is no other woman with whom I lay,
At least, not at this particular time of day.
My dear, you're absolutely the best.
How 'bout accompanying me to the next Centralfest?
(That is, unless I don't have another date)
The events that brought us together must have been fate.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
You're the greatest, Jenny, I mean Cherry, I mean Sue.
A Trite Redundant Poem With a Laughable Excuse For a Structure
Addressed To Absolutely No One in Particular and Whose Only Redeeming
Value is That It's Short
a.k.a. A Modern Love Poem
My dearest darling with long dark hair and eyes azure,
My love for you is eternal, tried, and sure.
I stare into the infinite depths of your eyes,
But I often find my gaze directed at your thighs.
Everyone appreciates your unsurpassed beauty and grace,
Your perfect supple form and enchanting face.
Some say beauty is fleeting, and boy do I agree.
Your personality sucks, so when you're 40, with you I will not be.
My sweet, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
One...uh...one...hmm...number one...gimme a chance... how about the
way your body sways?
Let me once more restate my love for you.
65% of the time, to you I'm true.
There is no other woman with whom I lay,
At least, not at this particular time of day.
My dear, you're absolutely the best.
How 'bout accompanying me to the next Centralfest?
(That is, unless I don't have another date)
The events that brought us together must have been fate.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
You're the greatest, Jenny, I mean Cherry, I mean Sue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The concessions of the weak are the concessions of fear.~ Edmund Burke, English statesman & philosopher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When did Shakespeare's plays come into existence? We tend to think they appeared when he conceived them.
But if God is omniscient, then he has perfect knowledge of the future. Before the creation, he knew that Shakespeare would compose the plays, and he knew the full text of each one.
"A consequence of the view that God knows everything about the future is that all compositions existed before creation," writes philosopher Richard R. La Croix.
In this sense, "the coming into existence of any composition is an event which occurs prior to the events that cause it to occur" -- and, in each case, an effect precedes its cause.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
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Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: 'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
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From my facebook page ~
Chicken Enchiladas ~ some assembly required ~ (Batteries not included)
I love this time of year ~ cooking & sampling ~ it's so much fun now that I have an upright freezer.
From the chocolate tasting party I went to last weekend ~
My contribution was Blueberry port ~ sipped slowly over a dark chocolate wafer melting on the tongue (idea & port courtesy of Duck Walk Vinyards, Long Island, NY)
Ursa ~
ursarodinia@aol.com
ursarodinia@aol.com
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